I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
why would tinder want me to say this
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy