[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases