I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Need WebMD
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!