90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.