“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.