I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Time heals everything 🙂
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Morningbreath
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*