GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
PLOT TWIST:
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.