Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
crazy
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment