Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?