I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*