I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not