When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me hooking up with my ex
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.