You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The dark side of Canada
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it