I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Noted.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂