Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?