Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Taliband
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan