It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
LA today:
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
PLEASE READ
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.