The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers