Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
so much to do
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.