I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”