My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.