what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.