My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
it must be school picture day
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.