[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.