[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
o shit
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.