FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
where the womens at?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no