Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
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Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?