Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Here’s a meme
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*