Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My apartment is a mess, I should move
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
don’t we all
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin