When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
sleeping beauty
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.