Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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*exercises sarcastically*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
some Old Testament wisdom
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me