If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
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Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.