You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
You Might Also Like
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My safe word is Worcestershire
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.