Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Remember folks 😂
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.