get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Bring back the McRib
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.