[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
How to properly lift a body
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.