[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.