His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
😂 amazing answer
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.