Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’m a self-made hundredaire
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
remember
only for emergencies
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE