I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family