The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My dog ate my work from home.
keep reaching for the stars, kid: