You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: