Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.