A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call