centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since