No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this