Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The happy life.. 😊
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
thank god the sign was there
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden