Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
This could be us but you eatin’
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir