My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth