(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
S M O L
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD